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We’ve gotten our dates! It’s going to be in November next year but I thought I might just start on understanding more on the traditions and customs of getting married.
Apart from the vague idea of “gate crashing”, tea ceremonies and having a wedding dinner, my mum tells me the cantonese way of a traditional chinese wedding custom. (I keep typing customer for some stupid reason.)
BEFORE THE WEDDING
The female side of the family will have to prepare some “bride cakes” (‘ga loi bang’ in cantonse means “getting married cakes”) and give to their relatives and friends as a symbol to announce that the daughter of the family is getting married. Apparently my mum had 500 cakes!!! One ‘rack’ has 22 cakes. So each one of the family is supposed to have one ‘rack’ This process is also called “Gor Da Lai”.
The second thing to check off your list (in addition to finding a geomancer to find an auspicisous date for your wedding), you have to find a good date to fix up your bed- the one you will sleep on after getting married.
It is said that you will need someone of good fortune or had led a good life to put the final touches to your bed. (i.e hit the bed in or place the blanket over it.)
old wives tale: Here’s a snippet of old wives tale. Apparently, if the bride is in a gown, she is NOT allowed to sit on the bed with her gown on. It is said that if she does, she will suffer awful morning sickness when she is pregnant. Don’t know how true is this but my mum claims that she never had morning sickness with 3 kids because she was so careful not to sit on the bed with her gown on!
ACTUAL DAY
On the night before the wedding, your (bride) mum or your grandmother is supposed to comb your hair for good fortune to come. It’s called 上头。 （Sorry don’t really know how else to say this.) and each comb is supposed to symbolise something. i.e (first comb to comb through for long and everlasting love. 白头偕老) When having your hair combed, you’re supposed to be naked. :\
Anyway, after which, you have to wear NEW apparel and in traditional ways, those clothes had to be made by someone of good fortune. But to cut short the process, just get new ones! Once you’ve donned on the new PJs, you’re not allowed out of the room until the next morning when the groom comes to pick you up!
HERE COMES THE GROOM
When the groom arrives, he is supposed to horn the car many times- loud enough for the 靠子 (kao zai in cantonese) to come and open the door. The kao zai is supposed to be someone related to the bride. The closer the better but not the father and has to be a boy. The kao zai will have to be accompanied with a ‘mei po’ which in traditional times, is the match maker.
The kao zai comes with oranges as a symbol of good luck and fortune and gives it to the groom to welcome him and he in return, packs him a red packet.
The usual bantering between the groom and sisters entail, with this process called “Gate crashing”. I shall not elaborate this here since it’s quite well known in Singapore.
After the groom comes to get his bride after “gate crashing”, the bride leaves for the groom’s place being sheltered with an umbrella while headed to the car. This is to symbolize sheltering her passage to a good family of sorts. It is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE that the bride DOES NOT turn back to get anything even if she has forgotten anything or dropped something. She has to focus on straight and not look back.
old wives tale: It is also an old wives tale that the bride should not wear gold when being “fetched” by the groom as this symbolizes the bride bringing away the wealth or riches of the female family.
The brides’s father or family should also throw rice on the car as a symbol of 1) getting fed well 2) good luck and fortune. Something like that!
Traditionally, the tea ceremony at the groom’s place has to be done in a “qua” (chinese traditional wedding costume). However due to inconvenience, most people forgo that. As usual, the parents or elder siblings give red packets in exchange for a tea as a symbol of blessing from the family.
After which, the bride and groom will have to bring a roast pig back to the bride’s place and the couple will then serve tea to the bride’s family. The bride will also give a small token in red packet to all her family members (could be $2) to symbolize that ’she has grown up’ and is old enough to give a red packet after getting married.
After the tea ceremony, the bride’s parents will have to cut the roast pig and give the groom the head and the tail of the pig as a ceremony procedure. Apparently, the traditional procedure involves giving a pair of sugar canes too.
THE ROAST PIG
According to my mum, this roast pig is not even any other roast pig but a pig which is well decorated and supposed to have a pants drapped over. It supposed to symbolize good luck and fortune for the groom and the off springs of the family. (presumably that everyone is wishing for a boy)
OKAY FOLKS! That was a long one. It sounds pretty comprehensive to me!
Next post…. the table where the groom and bride’s family sit and the bride’s family talks about jia juang (dowry)!
I read this from a blog called 101 ways to love your wife but the following post included both sides (loving your husband as well). Am posting it here for anyone who needs a little helping hand.
Let’s think of love not as a word but an action. Instead of saying “I love you.” Show you wife that you love her. Be more loving! How can a man show his woman he loves her? By doing!
Forget about the box of chocolates and flowers. Any man can go buy these things. But any man cannot show love to his wife on a whim. The chocolates get eaten and make your wife fat and cranky; the flowers wither and die in three days. What about showing your love by doing things that you know your wife will enjoy?
~How Should A Husband Love His Wife~When was the last time you wined and dined your wife? What about a mini-vacation? Are you the romantic type? If not find out how you can amaze your wife by being a romantic guy. What would that involve?
A woman likes a man who can cook. How about cooking her an intimate candlelit dinner for two? Don’t know how to cook? Get a cookbook and do it anyway. Have some fun in the kitchen and enjoy yourself.
Don’t forget, you wife likes to be touched and hugged without the pressure of sex looming in the near future. Sometimes the hugging and coddling is more important to her than the actual sex act. Not that she doesn’t like to orgasm but that she wants to KNOW that you love her more than the sex act itself. Hug her and cuddle her and you’ll most likely get what you want later.
The most important way to show your love is through your acceptance and validation. Are you the kind of guy that discounts his wife’s choices, desires, and needs through invalidation? This kind of behavior will cause all kinds of trouble in the marriage. Let me tell you why.
By invalidating your wife in whatever manner, you have essentially rejected her. She will feel as if her opinions, decisions, and beliefs don’t count and shouldn’t be regarded with importance. She will hold this within her consciousness and it will come back to haunt you later on in the marriage. This won’t be on purpose but mostly because you have hurt her. She loves you and when you invalidate her feelings, thoughts, actions, beliefs, views, and opinions, she gets hurt!
Let me tell you a big secret about woman, which also includes your wife. Your wife may ask you for your opinion on something because it is in her nature to get a second opinion but that does not necessarily mean that she will go with your opinion or your opposing viewpoint.
I’m not talking about the submission thing here either. What I’m talking about is just everyday thoughts and actions of your wife. If for some reason you really feel that it is best that you disagree with her thoughts and feelings, do so AFTER you have said something positive about the way she thinks and feels. Be understanding! If you actually validate her she will see it your way on her own, even if she won’t admit it.
Your wife may also like to vent her feelings more then you, not because she needs for you to find a solution so much as just being a sounding board. Give her validation in what she has to say, and then ask her if she is looking for an opinion and or solution first before giving her one. This doesn’t make much sense to you, but to us women it makes a lot of sense.
~How A Wife Should Love Her Husband~It is my firm belief that it is easier to make a man happy than for a man to make a woman happy. I believe this because men really don’t ask for much. If they can camp out on the hard ground with the ants and other bugs how hard can they be to please? Yes, I know this sounds superficial but think about this for a moment. Have you noticed how much happier, and less stressed out your man is when he has his two most important needs met, sex and food?
It is also semi-true that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. They love to eat and they love to eat good tasty meals. When their stomachs are full, and they have been taken care of physically, a man doesn’t ask for much else.
Don’t forget, the home is a man’s castle. Knowing this, make every effort to keep his castle tidy and free of stressful situations that could upset his equilibrium. He has worked all day long and wants to come home to a loving and sweet wife, not a grouch and a TV dinner
Be appreciative of every little thing your man does around the house. Make your man feel like a man by being a woman. Give him a hug and a kiss where it counts, talk about your day together. Don’t reject your husband sexually. Make him feel good about himself by telling him so. Respect him for who he is and what he does!
Basically, a woman needs validated and intimacy, and a man needs sex and good food. Find ways in which you can give of your self in the marriage by being more loving in these areas.
And men, after you have shown your wife how much you love her, then you can buy her the chocolates and flowers.
Angie Lewis has written five books on how to have a happy marriage. In her books she offers marriage tips, tools, techniques, and wisdom filled answers for you to apply in your marriage. From issues such as adultery, addiction, pornography, emotions, beliefs, forgiveness, communication and submission – it’s all here!
Angie’s latest book ADULTERY PANDEMIC is about the prevalence of infidelity among the Christian community and what you can do to protect yourself and marriage. If you or your spouse have been unfaithful, this book will give you the spiritual insight and wisdom to overcome this devastating battle to heal yourself and restore your marriage.
Author: ANGIE LEWIS
In the name of Love
- David Astle
- October 27, 2008 (Published on Essential Baby)
Some modern-day nuptials are turning tradition on its head, as a growing number of men take on their bride’s surname. David Astle meets the men who say, “I do… take your last name.”
Imagine if Lachlan Murdoch morphed overnight into Lachlan O’Hare. Or Michael Zeta-Jones filled the bill, honouring his other half, Catherine. Meanwhile, upon the field of dreams, David Beckham wows the crowd as David Adams, after his wife Victoria.
Strange as it sounds, the scenario is gathering traction. Across Australia, the modern groom is saying “I do” when offered his wife’s surname. While for now it may only number in the dozens, the trend of taking the woman’s surname in marriage is catching on. What factors lead to this decision? Before hearing from three couples, let’s take a walk down history’s aisle.
For centuries – in a male-skewed society, of course – the bride has been the mandatory bearer of her husband’s surname. Much like a chattel, the missus-to-be was forfeited as her father’s living property unto the custody of her new beau, with the name-shift reflecting this transfer.
Such tradition hit a wall in 1921, in the shape of American Lucy Stone. An advocate for women’s rights, Ms Stone refused to alter her name to Blackwell at the Boston altar – and all patriarchal hell broke loose. “A wife should no more take her husband’s name than he should hers,” asserted Lucy. “My name is my identity and must not be lost.”
Nowadays it’s the catch-all tradition that has been lost. Come your wedding day, identity is up for grabs – for both genders. Women are free to retain their maiden name, or they can opt for double-barrelling. Often, for the sake of continuity, newly married wives will retain their birth name in the public domain and defer to hubby’s handle via the children. (In more progressive corners of America, fusing is taking hold, where Pamela Jones and Toby Barker, for example, might mutate into the Jokers or the Barones.)
It is no less radical, perhaps, than the US case of Michael Buday in 2005. When the 29-year-old advertising executive popped the question to 28-year-old Diana Bijon, an emergency-room nurse, the question of names soon followed.
Would Mr Buday become Mr Bijon, she asked?
Far closer to his fiancee’s family, Buday happily embraced the idea – until civil laws intervened.
Back then, California was among 44 American states with unequal name-change laws for newlyweds. To change his name, a husband needed some $1000 for court fees, petitions and public notices, compared to the bride’s default switch. In many ways the historic reflection of Lucy Stone, Buday spent two years pushing for gender equality, changing Californian bylaws as a result.
At home, the legal flexibility already exists, though not without a few hurdles. As Helen Trihas, the Victorian registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages, explains, “People who are married in Australia can adopt their husband’s or wife’s name without applying for an official change of name with the registry. However, when couples seek to update a driver’s licence or bank account, they are often asked to provide official documentation.”
The best name-change snapshot comes from the Australian Passport Office, where 538 men have changed their married names since 2003 (compared to more than 71,000 women), though many of these names embody a new hyphen.
Updating documents was one minor battle for Michael Kingsland (né Munzinger), a 30-year-old PhD student from Canberra. Michael married Alice Kingsland, 27, last year. Alice, a public lawyer, recounts her husband’s challenge. “Michael rang the tax office to get his name changed and the guy said, ‘No, no, that can’t be right. Where are you from? In this country, and other Western cultures, men don’t change their names – women do.’”
The couple had met a decade previously in Sweden, where both were living as exchange students. Michael says the Kingsland lineage wasn’t “a major reason” for his name change after the big day. Certainly Alice applied no pressure. Rather, the German felt no attachment to Munzinger – “it’s a Swiss tribe sort of name, a little bit wacko” – and preferred the relative comfort of Kingsland. “It’s really easy. You say to people, ‘It’s just like Queensland, but with a king instead.’”
Yet spelling is a fraction of the whole. An expert in solar energy, Michael detects the decision’s radiant benefits in his marriage. “There’s something positive about switching things around. Going against history, doing it the other way, we’re saying we are wanting to have one family.” Both sets of parents were relaxed and delighted by the decision.
Alice echoes the sentiment. “A close friend just got engaged and she has decided to take her husband’s name. You should have heard the reactions! Friends are shocked. We’re swinging somewhat towards the other way.”
“It’s only tradition,” says Ryan Walker, 30, also from Canberra. The information technology teacher will shed his family name in December, when he marries fellow teacher Jenny Cather, 27. The main reason is Brianna, Jenny’s daughter from a previous relationship. “Brianna is five years old and she knows who she is – Brianna Cather,” says Ryan.
“I didn’t want to be the new male in her life, coming in and forcing her to change her name, to become someone else, in fact.”
Adds Jenny, “If I was going to change my name, then we’d change Brianna’s name so she’d have the same name as her mum. If we went with the double-barrel, that would mean all three of us changing versus two of us changing if we went with Walker – or one of us.”
“Me!” laughs Ryan. “Telling Jenny we have to switch to Walker because that’s how it goes is not a good enough argument.” Ryan glances fondly at Brianna, who is nibbling on a sandwich nearby. “After the wedding, Brianna knows I’m joining the family with Mummy and I’m changing my name. And she’s excited.”
Ryan’s parents have given the decision their blessing. “As the middle son of three boys, there’s no shortage of Walkers,” says Ryan. Honeymoon tickets to New Zealand booked, the couple face one last obstacle: Ryan’s new signature. “I haven’t had time to practise a new one,” he says. “My own signature doesn’t look like Walker anyway, so maybe I need to add one slight squiggle.”
For Melbourne’s Catherine and Kristian Flanagan, the backstory involves more autographs than signatures. During his 20s, Kristian earned his fame as Mean Lundin, a 120-kilogram defender in Sweden’s national gridiron team. But Kristian nursed a secret: deep down he loathed his surname.
“It’s complicated. My mother and father never married and they split when I was one. Three years later my mother married a guy called Lundin. Four years on, after the marriage broke up, I knew I didn’t want the Lundin name any more.”
But life and gridiron waylaid deed-poll plans.
The gentle giant, now 39, never got around to the paperwork. “So I told myself, ‘Maybe when I get married – unless my wife is called ‘Dick’ or something – I’ll take my wife’s name.’”
Kristian met Catherine Flanagan in Melbourne in 1990, and kept in touch via cards and phone calls. Rapport turned into commitment in 1995, after three wild weeks in Durban, South Africa. “There were no ifs or buts after that,” beams Catherine.
After deciding to marry in 1997, the couple confronted the name situation. “We were lying on the bed,” recalls 43-year-old Catherine, an interior and graphic designer. “I’d never thought about the name thing. It was more important for Kris.”
So important, in fact, that he addressed the Flanagan clan at the Melbourne wedding reception, asking if he could take their name. “Some were chuffed and some weren’t worried – a very Aussie approach!” he laughs. “There was a degree of pride,” adds Catherine. “Our family saw it as a compliment.”
Mind you, more than a few of Kris’s colleagues at his old job suspected the new groom, then the managing director of an international wool-trading company, to be living under the proverbial thumb. “Working in a very male environment, I certainly get a few of those jokes,” says the proud Mr Flanagan. “But being six-foot-five [196 centimetres], we sorted things out pretty quickly.”
We do … and they do, too
Around the world, couples contrive all sorts of surname compromises. In Japan, if the wife is an only child, her name may be honoured in wedlock, while the Chinese ru zhui tradition obliges less wealthy grooms to preserve their bride’s surname as a safeguard for future heirs.
Traditional Persian culture allowed married women to keep their birth name, resorting to their husband’s surname for formal occasions. This is akin to modern-day France, where the husband’s surname is often deemed a “usage name”, adopted as the wife sees fit.
Peru prefers tongue-twisters, sweeping up both names in marriage. Should Martha Ortiz Galvez tie the knot with Ricardo Perez Salinas, she may become Martha Ortiz Galvez Perez Salinas – opting to reorder the sequence of tangled names of any children who come along.
And lastly, in what is perhaps a signal of society’s shifting tide, the player who first clicks the “Marry” option in the computer game The Sims 2 gets to carry their surname into posterity.
Hey everyone… I saw this from a friend’s blog and decided to post it here… It’s very valuable insight even though most of us know it, are going through it, or just need to be reminded… here it is:
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, ‘How do I know if I married the right person?’
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, ‘It depends. Is that your husband?’
In all seriousness, she answered ‘How do you know?’
Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind.
Here’s the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse / partner . You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies (unconventional behavior/habit).Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called ‘falling’ in love… Because it’s happening TO YOU .
People in love sometimes say, ‘I was swept off my feet.’ Think about the imagery of that __expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU .
Falling in love is easy . It’s a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria (excitement) of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship . Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies , instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, ‘Did I marry the right person?’ And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown . People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could.
And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t ‘find’ LASTING love. You have to ‘make’ it day in and day out. That’s why we have the __expression ‘the labor of love.’ Because it takes time, effort, and energy . And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable… you can ‘make’ love .
Love in marriage is indeed a ‘decision’… Not just a feeling.
Remember this always :
It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
I have not made so many trips to home furniture stores so many times before in my life till now. (quite obviously)
It has been both exciting, and very daunting- financially. And it really means that both of you have to see eye to eye because otherwise, it will add up to marriage-frustrations.
You start to realise that most of the money that you earn, goes into all the big ticket furniture that is so painful to bear. Being a young lady like myself, it’s not easy to haveto set aside all these extra shopping dollars because my peers would be spending their dollars on something else.
Though I know it is good for me! Hope I don’t sound like I’m complaining..It’s just observation comments.
Although we have not had our customary wedding yet, it is really tough planning ahead, knowing your hard-earned dollars will be blown just like that. We checked with Amara Sentosa for a beach-style wedding- not possible; and the ballroom is a min. of 150 people, at about $890-ish a table.
Amara Sanctuary
Firstly, I don’t really have 150 friends and relatives, and secondly, it’s ridiculously expensive from what is potentially, bad tasting food. (one too many average tasting wedding food.)
All my colleagues (they are non-chinese/asians) are horrified at this customary dinner that retailers have been cashing in on. Hotels making this an expensive affair, relatives needing a “market rate” so that they know how to give a red packet… Is there a way we can balance superficial pride with a day of genuine celebration?
Someone please help me unravel this “traditional customary banquet”!!!
Since getting our marriage registered, we’ve started to live as husband as wife while living and working in a different country.
So we’re starting a new life together as a man and wife, AND we have to deal with it alone without help or advice from our family.
So now that we’re in Australia, there are just so many money holes to be wary of. The credit cards work differently, the superannuation investments (like our CPF) and thinking about making the best out of our rent (which is by far a rather ’stupid’ thing to do as commented by a traditional elder).
So even though money wise, there’s alot of decisions to make, it doesn’t make a difference if it’s in Singapore or Australia, being man and wife faces the same kind of questions and difficulties.
My mum never taught me the nitty gritty details of financial planning, and not to mention, our times are different from theirs. Now, experts are saying things that even though you’re not a millionaire, it’s important to have a pre-nuptial dealing with matters on kids and maybe even inheritances.
Let’s talk about the simpler things: like what kind of spending style are you and is your perception of money similar?
It is definitely important to talk about the important stuff, like expectations and roles. What role is the husband expected to play? What about the wife?
Here are some good links to have a look: (or google “suze orman”)
http://www.newlywedfinances.com/
http://financialplan.about.com/cs/personalfinance/a/Marriage.htm
http://www.smartmoney.com/divorce/marriage/index.cfm?story=mistakes
Here’s something to keep in mind:
“People tend to be emotional and reactive about money, not strategic,” she says.
As I’ve been doing some really hardcore housework recently, I’ve been doing some researching on food recipes, I stumbled upon this one for confinement mummies! Gotta keep this handy man!!! (even if it comes in a few years.)
Do-It-Yourself Confinement Menu
“You don’t have to be smart to be clever”
Food Budget: Approximately S$500-S$1200
(taken from http://www.makantime.com/confine1.htm)
After getting registered, Kruder and I are now registered and recognised as a married couple by law. So as I was trying to fill up forms and tax file number registration, they ask me for a very confusing title question:
Miss, Mrs or Ms.?
What is the difference from Ms and Miss?
When do I use Mrs? My bank card says Mrs (my surname)- but hubby says I should have put Ms because it’s MY surname.
aiyo!!! so confusing!! am I a Mdm???
I guess we can all draw some inspiration from the hair, make up, and dress (for evening), from the Oscars!
Jennifer Garner, who shone at the Oscars and was pretty much the “favourited” actress for the best overall look.
The woman who makes us mere mortals look like downright plain.. Jessica Alba here is pregnant, looking a lil tired but still pretty cool a look to carry. (warm colours.)
Marion Cotillard who won the best actress, who deserved every bit of it, and looked every bit the winning actress with a very beautiful and youthful look. She’s the kind of the girl I wanna be when I hit the 30s bracket man!
Here’s her with another kind of look which is cool for an evening look to downplay the evening gown.
(I don’t like the dress at all…) but here’s a good look for the hair and casual make up. You want to look natural but gorgeous so I think this is a pretty good look to follow!
Now for dresses inspiration….
Cameron Diaz is wearing a pink version of Dior, and although I like the IDEA of the gown, this gown risks looking crumpling and would probably not last throughout the night with the wedding toasts and what not with such a material.
Not everyone can carry off the dress… but I think, if you can make it more wearable with a more flowy feel.. go for it!
This dress might be a tad too revealing for relatives, but the idea and texture is there. Take a sheer material over a champagne coloured material and it looks glamourous already.
I know this is a very unflattering shot of Miley Cyrus, but the dress really stands out and this is the main idea! If you wanna use red for your evening gown, take this for inspiration! Demure and a little Greek like flow, you’ll be calling the shots on your wedding day!
The back of the dress:
Hey everyone!! This is long overdue. I was walking along Far East Plaza with a gal pal and I came across this shop tucked away from the crowds.
They have some dresses that are perfecct for bridesmaids and ROM bride to be! For an inexpensive fluff, drop by Far East Plaza at Love potion!
Their card states:
Far East Plaza #01-77/#04-35
Number: (+65) 6736 4089
www.lovepotion.com.sg
